I’m no good when dealing with the loss of someone, whether it’s close to home or not. I’m never sure of how to feel or what to say. I feel awkward so I usually remain quiet and sometimes show little to no emotions. It doesn’t happen on all occasions, but most.
My grandfather passed away on Wednesday morning. When I was told, I was speechless and I felt empty. I got into my car, went to work, continued about my day and told maybe two people at work about it, but it hadn’t really sunk in. While my heart was starting to feel heavy, my mind was just… blank.
I didn’t cry straight away which was odd because like most people, I’ll cry when I watch a sad scene from a movie or when I see someone close to me crying. It was also odd because it’s usually easy for me to be emotional or show emotions. But on Wednesday, there was nothing. It wasn’t until Friday morning that I actually started to feel… anything. And it wasn’t until Friday night that I really cried.
I cried because I hadn’t spoken to my grandfather in the last 3 years or so. I cried because I felt guilty for not making of an effort to stay in touch. I cried because while there’s disagreements and arguments going on between my relatives (just like every other family), I had no reason to NOT speak to my grandfather. And while all of that commotion was going on in the background, I still failed to make an effort.
Now, he’s gone. And I know he had been unwell for quite some time, I wasn’t expecting him to go just yet. But he’s in a better place now, no pain, no worries and for that I’m grateful.
I don’t know how to end this post and honestly I’m not too sure why I posted it. Writing has always been my outlet, so I guess… here I am.
If you’re reading this, stay in touch with relatives and no matter the rifts between you, remember that family is important.
I miss you Lolo and I am deeply sorry that I wasn’t around in person or even by phone more often. I hope we meet again soon. I love you always.
Rest in peace Lolo.
Dante S. Barcelon Sr.
Sept 18th, 1933 – Jan 30th, 2019