Being single in your 30s… it’s not easy. I’m not saying that being single at any other age isn’t easy either, but I’m at that stage in my life where I don’t have time to mess around, or play games. I don’t have the energy to go through bullshit, heartbreak and nonsense. I’m happy being on my own if no one wants to be by my side, respect and love me the way I believe we both should be respected and loved.
I spent the last two years with a wall up, for good reasons too. I had wasted enough time focusing on someone else’s needs other than my own and I felt that it was time to put the focus back on me for once. My last relationship was a long one, and during that time I’d made many sacrifices. We both did, but my sacrifices cost me part of my sanity, part of my identity, and part of my self worth. Since then I’d accepted that a relationship may not be something I’m destined to have, not to say that I’d rule it out completely. I’m very open to it; if an amazing guy comes along, sweeps me off my feet and makes me feel loved, adored and respected, then I would welcome the opportunity and embrace it.
Late last year, I’d worked up the courage (thanks to a friend of mine) to put myself out there. By that, I mean sign up to an online dating site/app. It’s a daunting experience for me; I’m clueless in selling myself (I mean I’m no sales woman and I’m really bad at job interviews), I have no idea what to say to guys anymore, and I feel like maybe I’ll just make a dick of myself. To be quite honest, I’ve probably already made a fool of myself with the guys that I have talked to and met.
It’s hard to tell what a guy’s intentions are these days, especially when you barely know them. I’ve come across a few guys who are too eager, or too keen and that scares me. I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to relationships and that’s probably because it’s been a long time since I’ve dated. I meet people with the intention of forming a bond with them, a friendship at least. If a relationship forms, then so be it, and if that leads to a life long commitment then so be it too. It has to feel right from both sides; sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.
Meeting new people and making friends is relatively easy for me. I would consider myself friendly and outgoing and I’ll talk to just about anyone. What I find difficult though, is detachment. I feel that if I get along with someone really well (or if I think I do), then I can get easily attached to them. That’s not to say I’m clingy, it just means that I can put more attention and focus on that person than anything else. And it kind sucks because most often, it’ll just be one sided. Then I get anxious; worried that maybe I am being clingy and that probably makes it even worse.
Like most people, I hate disappointment. So I try to avoid situations where there is even a slight chance of ending up disappointed. Unfortunately that includes dating. I mean, no one wants to feel disappointed when it comes to love. That’s why my walls have stayed up. I guess at some point though, they need to come down a little otherwise I’ll be shut out from everyone.
Being single in your 30s… it’s bloody hard, and from my experiences over the last few months, I’m very rusty when it comes to dating. I’m far from perfect and I will no doubt lose my footing but we all go through it; maybe just at different ages.
Maybe I’ll find my prince charming, or maybe not. That’s totally cool, because at the end of the day I can happily say that I’m okay with being on my own.